A Snake Story

So I'm working hard today and Mr. Bones needs to go out. My daughter, Lauren has morning poop duty and Austin, my son has after after dinner poop duty. Mom gets middle of the day. This dog poops a lot for an 8 pounder, huh? Mostly he just wants to go out and re-pee on everything the other dogs have hit during the day. And if another dog is out in the hood he likes to act like he is a deranged pit bull and bark and carry on. But that's another story. An embarrassing story.

So this afternoon, I take Bones out front and we walk across the street and a snake has his head poking out of some ground cover. It startles me, but I don't unleash my "snake scream." I'm pretty proud of myself and even go back to see if the snake is still in the silly, head-sticking-out position. Yep, still there. Good snake. Stay on that side of the street.

A bit later, I go out to water a plant on the pool deck and look what I see.

It's teen snake! Not as big as the usual snake that hangs around our house, but not a tiny one either. Why these snakes like my pool deck I have no idea. The rat population is nil. There are some lizards, but they look poisonous. I sure wouldn't eat one. Ask Bones. It's not a good idea. They will make you sick, sick, sick and cost your owner hundreds of dollars in vet bills.

I still refrain from my snake scream and I'm feeling pretty cocky now. I'll go get the camera, document my SECOND sighting of a snake this spring and all will be okay. Lauren decides to come out and see what I'm taking pictures of. She agrees with me that teen snake needs to go out but she's too chicken to open the screen door. It doesn't help that I'm telling her all kinds of horrid situations that could happen. She was brave. I squelched that! That's what moms do, right?

Yeah, I used to be that skinny! Note Miss Skinny legs' bare feet. Mom..."you should really have some foot protection. He's going to lunge after your feet and sink his teeth deep. You're wearing white and the blood will be hard to get out." I'm always thinking of laundry. And my children's safety.

Go get mom's cowboy boots from her line dancing days. Man, those were the days! Or nights! I really can't remember. I thought imbibing Jack Daniels would make me look cool in a country bar. Never a good idea. See my size 8 boots on little skinny butt? I think she wears a size 5 or something. It's cowboy clown girl, the snake wrangler!

Here's a close-up of the boots. Aren't they cool? They're vintage! I bought them in the 80's when I was young and carefree. I cannot toss them. They've never seen mud or manure, but they've been in some pretty sweet country bars. Electric slide, anyone?

Here's the silly dog "helping" us out with the snake wrangling. By this time, Lauren is shoving me toward the snake and I've let out several of my snake screams. The dog is more worried about stealing the remote. Lauren and I are about to pee our pants laughing. She can't believe I can produce a blood curdling scream like that. Several times. Yep, my throat hurts. Still, we can't quite muster the effort to get teen snake where he belongs out in the woods of Alabama. But along comes help...

Mr. boy child arrives on the scene, barefoot and sick of our screaming and laughing. He opens the screen door just inches away from the anaconda harmless black snake, grabs a pool skimmer and scoots teen snake out the door. The skinny cowgirl watches in amazement. Mom documents the moment in history and considers wine with dinner.

The end.